Its the 10th of July today, supposedly our first together. How fast time flies, that it has been a month since all this have been happening. I wasnt hoping for anything when I choosed you to be my partner at that point of time. I didnt trust you, I wasnt hoping for much. I know its been a while since we part our way, our so called love story only lasted for 2 weeks or so. But Ive been a very much happy girl when I was with you. The times we spend, was definitely more than words. Not that I still love you, but this heart is still very much hurt by your actions and your wrongdoings. Ive never been in a serious relationship for 2 years plus, and then I choose you to open up my heart. Ive made a huge mistake to have choose a player to do that. But we're just those young fools that still am exploring this world. You, and I are both world aparts. Im from the upper standard, and you're not. I shouldnt have stick with you or be with you at the beginning. I deserve better, I know.
It was all too fast that has been happening around me, you and us. But in that short period of time, it meant a lot to me. Nobody treated me that good, made me feel Im the prettiest and perfect most of the time, and knowing that at least someone loved me for who I was truly am. I told you to prove me that you loved me, you did just that. You never was ashamed to showed to the world I was yours,despite all those obvious flaws and imperfections I had. You made me felt welcome in your life when you introduced me to your family. When I got to spend time with not only you, but with your siblings and your parents. The time where we went fishing with your two siblings and your father. Where we were at the back of the van, where you lay down on my laps, when we listened to songs together, when you sang that song to me, whenever the van move too fast, u gripped my hands and then kissed it gently, I will play with your hair, wipe your sweats away. And whenever you go fishing, you wanted me how to fish, but I didnt want to. And I sat down with your little brother and your little sister. Seeing how close they were with you, it made me smile. And whenever they asked questions about us, I will smile and we make faces at each other. You always disturb me with that irritating face of yours, when noone is looking at us. You will run to me and lay down on my laps and kiss me everytime your dad's eyes stray somewhere else. And you never let go of my hands whenever we walk together,even when your family is infront of us and see us together.
And when we sat at your home, sitting together on the couch, watching you and your siblings playing the Xbox, where you ask me to cling on to your arms. And everytime you lose I will laugh at you with your little brother. And talking to your sister,sitting down while waiting for you to finsih your shower. And when we sat under the bustop, you sang that song to me, reflecting on our love story. And as usuals, Ive made faces at you, calling you a sweet talker mother fucker. You will always strangle me and kiss me. Walking around CauseWay, where I screamed your real name out loud, and you covered my mouth and hold on to me tight in the middle of the shopping centre. I laughed and cling on to you andkiss you on the cheeks sayimg Im sorry. We never failed to be happy when we're together. You send me back home to Tampines. In the bus, I slept on your shoulders, and you slept on mine. When I didnt want you to sleep cause I want you to talk to me. You held my hands and keep on kissing it. You force me to meet you the next day, cause you wanted to spend time with me. How can I not believe every moves and every word you said, cause your actions somehow made me think you're sincere about us. I dont mind about who you are in the past or who you actually are. But I guess, it all comes back to where it all started. I had a great time with you, much more infact.
You made me felt special. When you held my hands, noone or nothing else matters. And whenever we spend together, all we do is to argue and play around in public. We were never serious about anything. We enjoy life as it is, I was myself whenever Im around you. You kept praising me every now and then. Making me feel good inside out.
Who have thought that one phonecall that Wednesday morning left me confused, hurt and lost. Yes, your other girlfriend talked to me in a nice manner, but Im only human with feelings. I told her I back off, I didnt know what to do. I mean, shes having your child, and no way am I going to be with someone like that. I was devastated, actually. Wild thoughts running through my mind at that point of time. As soon as I put down the call with your 'wife', all I can do is cry, and cry and just yelled my heart out. I locked myself in the room for hours, crying myself saying that he's not worth it, this is all a lie, that everything happened because of a valid reason. I picked myself up slowly, eventhough I cant. I was hurt, imagine I open up my heart to you after 2 years, and then only to find out from some girl that she's pregnant with your child. Imagine that!
How strong my outer surface can be, Im only a human, a girl inside. I told myself, and I jolly well I know I deserve better, but sometimes this heart of mine is just too foolish. At times, I wished you will come back after you're going to be out in 2 weeks, but what if you really do, do I really want you back in my life? I doubt so.
I still remember the last conversation we had. I was very mad at you. I was hoping that you be gone forever. I thought I was strong enough to push you away from my life. To pretend nothing happened. To forget that you were a part of my life before, even though it was a short one.
Im over with late night crying, but I always find myself thinking about the beautiful past. Noone had treated me that way before you, I guess you made an impact. I find myself listening to the songs we sang together and some other stupid love songs. Im only a young girl, but this was hard for me, too difficult for me. The feelings are still intact. Im hurt still, no doubt. I rather find something in you that I hate, rather than thinking of the good times we had. I dont love you anymore, Im trying my best to forget about you. I have much more in life than thinking about you, which truthfully, doesnt deserved to be remembered. I deserve someone better than you,definitely. Im enjoying life as it is for now. Whenever I thought love in me doesnt exist anymore 2 years ago, Im only lying to myself. I need attention, love and concern much more than anything else in this world. I forget how to enjoy life, I forget how to please people around me, I forget about my responsibilities, and I forget that people do still love me, and I forget to love myself. Im trying to gain all that back. I cant turn back time, but Im making things better for me. Im never a strong girl before, but as for me, as every day passed, and here I am still am breathing and alive, Im strong to overcome all these shits. Cliche as it may sound, what doesnt kill you, makes you only stronger. I guess its right.
This is a kinda longgg emotional entry, I guess. I miss pouring my emotions and opinions on my blog. I guess that's it for now. Good night to you,sweethearts! :)
Labels: our first, supposedly
Its the 10th of July today, supposedly our first together. How fast time flies, that it has been a month since all this have been happening. I wasnt hoping for anything when I choosed you to be my partner at that point of time. I didnt trust you, I wasnt hoping for much. I know its been a while since we part our way, our so called love story only lasted for 2 weeks or so. But Ive been a very much happy girl when I was with you. The times we spend, was definitely more than words. Not that I still love you, but this heart is still very much hurt by your actions and your wrongdoings. Ive never been in a serious relationship for 2 years plus, and then I choose you to open up my heart. Ive made a huge mistake to have choose a player to do that. But we're just those young fools that still am exploring this world. You, and I are both world aparts. Im from the upper standard, and you're not. I shouldnt have stick with you or be with you at the beginning. I deserve better, I know. 